As I Get Older, I Panic. A little. On the Inside.

I’m old. I mean, not really. But….the chance of me living to 100 is really slim. I’m not sure why, but that thought keeps running through my head. “I’m a quarter of a century old, and the likelihood that I will live to a full century is very small.”

You know how people always say that when you get older, time will seem to just fly on by? Well, time sure does fly. Wasn’t it just Christmas? How is the year halfway through? How am I 25? Didn’t I JUST graduate from high school? No? Thank goodness. I am so glad to be an adult…And college? DUDE. I graduated from college THREE years ago. I feel like it just ended. (I can hear those readers that are a little older than me trying to slap me through their monitors. Just humor me.)

I keep having this mental tennis game about kids. We thought about trying for kids this summer. The summer came and we found that we would rather wait for fall. Now we think we might not even try this year. If it happens, that’s cool and definitely God’s timing. But we aren’t trying. At all. In my head, that sounds great. Then it sounds scary. Like this:

If I get pregnant, there’s all the obvious awesomeness that comes with it. You don’t have to convince me of the pros, because I look forward to being a stay-at-home mom someday. But let me just freak for a second. It also means that everything changes. Everything. No sleeping in. Paying babysitters. All the trips we dream of, on hold. Chilling out in the evening doing whatever we want is over for a while. We want our kids relatively close in age, so once we start, we have to keep going. Think of all the diapers. Do you know how much money diapers cost? I have to look at preschools and elementary schools and pediatricians. And that’s if everything goes smoothly.

And OH MY GOSH I would be a MOM.



Okay. So there’s the occasional freakout over that (and I do freak out about it about once a month, ha).

Then there’s this side. I know a lot of people who found out that they couldn’t just come off the pill (or ring or IUD or whatever) and get pregnant. Years. Years of trying. Years of not knowing. Years of doctor visits and shots and “what can we do?” And then wondering if when they finally do get pregnant…will it be that hard always? How many kids can they really have comes up, and how much money is sunk into figuring it out? How many years did that friend of mine think she would be a mommy before she really got to be one and hold that sweet little baby? And I can’t help but wonder…what if that’s us? What if we keep putting it off and then..that’s us? And we can’t have that baby. And all these sweet little names I already have picked out might never get used because by the time we get pregnant once or even twice, I’m too old to easily get pregnant again. And it changes everything.

And OH MY GOSH I would NOT be a mom when I want to be one.

NO Minivan.

Oh my gosh….

What is with that? Am I alone? (I probably am, it’s okay.) I just…have this endless tennis match of pros and cons for everything I do as I get older.

It’s not just kids. It’s wanting to go skydiving. HAVE to do that before kids. Right?

And how much harder I have to workout now but that I still don’t look like the 17-year-old cheerleader’s body I remember.

And how I want to get my savings up. But then after that how I want to go on trips. And how I want the house to look.

And wanting to actually be good at photography and photoshop and wondering how long it will take before I’m where I want to be. And wondering if I’ll have time to get there before life changes with kids or with trips or with whatever’s next.

And it’s wondering, as I walk through (and, okay, shop for the occasional cheap shirt) the junior’s section of Macy’s, how I ever thought it was cool and realizing I sound in my head just like my mom sounded out loud when I was younger.

And speaking about being younger, when did I get old enough that I started to think like “when I was younger” anyway?

And thinking how weird it is that 20 years ago, I was 5, but twenty years from now, it would not be considered weird if I had a 20-year-old son or daughter. In fact, most people assume the little baby I nanny is mine.

And people have quit asking me if I’m in high school. Or college. I like to assume it’s because I have a wedding ring and run errands with a baby, but I kinda know I just look older now.

I thought growing up was tough. It’s scary when you realize you can be a grown up and still be confused about your future.

It’s weird though. How many times did I wish I was just grown up, done with homework, and married to Tom already? And now I am. That was one thing I was always sure I wanted. No regrets there.

And then there are nights that I just kick back on the couch with Tom, watch one of our favorite shows, hang out, and don’t even think about any of this stuff. At times like that, it seems silly to ever worry about it. My ‘don’t worry, be happy’ attitude, the optimism that Tom told me “gives (him) a reason to get out of bed in the morning” the other night, that’s the real me.  “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Just enjoy your life as it is until it changes. Then enjoy it for what it has become.” That’s the normal me.

That’s the me that was happy on a birthday with a couple of dinosaurs and a chocolate popsicle. Granted, it was my brother’s birthday, and I was three.

So, anyway, you’ll have to excuse the chicken little that wrote this post. That’s the “I just concluded a year of my life and am not enjoying this moment of panic-stricken self-reflection when thinking of what is to come” version of me.

Tomorrow is a post about my yard. The Bobby McFerrin version of me will be back. If you only made it half way through this post (or less) before getting weirded out and removing me from your rss, I get it, and goodbye forever.

Otherwise, make sure you come back tomorrow. You’ve gotta see how much my yard has changed. And I have 8 tomatoes that are getting big, and I’m torn between seeing how big they get and making fried green tomatoes. I also have a problem with a plant and need gardening advice.

This is the most random post ever.


The end.


14 thoughts on “As I Get Older, I Panic. A little. On the Inside.”

    1. NO WAY! haha I don’t need any more laundry. Cloth diapers are not happening in this house. Also, I hated teaching. That’s why we live in an area with good schools. And I don’t know what a swagger wagon is. Can you explain that one? haha

        1. No, I hadn’t seen it! So glad you caught me up! Umm..yeah, Tom and I would totally make a video like that too. hahaa I LOVE it. The commercials with that “family” are the best minivan commercials ever. But that’s the first time I’ve seen their video. so funny.

  1. When I think about it, I don’t want any kids til I’m 30 and even then I only want one kid with error room for maybe two. And I’m never never buying a minivan lol.

    I’ll come back in 10 years and have eaten my words, probably, according to statistics.

    That kind of scares me, but all is not lost! Honestly, as long as you have good parents, and you aren’t “paranoia mom” who can’t trust anyone with her kid, the trip thing shouldn’t be a big deal. My friend and her husband just went to Paris for two weeks and left their baby with grandma and aunts. 🙂

    And if you schedule your kids sleeptime at 8pm, you can still have your nights with the tv and a relaxing dinner.

    I think you just have to lifehack a little, and you can still enjoy some of the things associated with being childfree.

    1. I definitely look forward to being a mom, but I don’t think I’ll have any problem with letting people babysit! =) I’m more worried about being able to afford a trip after kids. haha

      Also, +100,000 points to you for using “lifehack” in that comment. haha =)

      1. LOL I can’t say I “look forward” to being a mom, partly because I’ve never been around kids until maybe about a year or two ago, and they kind of scare me.

        But at the same time I feel like I’m going to miss out on some massive life experience if I don’t have one. I mean, it’s the opportunity to help a person, that you made, lay the foundation for a good life. Now, that’s a project!

        I also don’t want to give up the career and passions I’ve worked so hard on for years now.


        Then I realize I’m not even married and drop the thoughts into the “way in the future” bucket and get on with my life.

        1. I literally laughed out loud when I read that you think of having kids as a “project.” You’re not wrong, but it’s so funny to hear people referred to like that.

          Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to be a stay at home mom. I started babysitting when I was 14, and I love love love babies (and kids). It’s part of the reason I decided to be an animal trainer instead of going to pre-vet in college. I didn’t want to put that much work, time, and money into a career that I had no intention of staying with after I had kids. And since I was dating the guy I wanted to marry, I figured it might not be “way in the future” as you put it. I totally get how you wouldn’t want to leave a job that you’ve made such a priority and worked so hard to get to.

          As for the “passions”…I don’t intend to give those up. Besides being passionate about kids, I absolutely adore animals, and own some. 😉 I intend to keep learning about photography and using it to capture my kids someday as they grow….ya know..when I have them. haha And I want to learn so much. More about photography, and then painting, dancing, sewing (mainly so I can make things for my house), and more. I don’t think having kids will slow me down on that front.

  2. A few things:

    I will tell you what I told James when he turned 25 (and when he turned 26, 27, and 28. By 29, he forgot how old he was, so he doesn’t freak out anymore.) You’re only one day older than you were yesterday, and you’re only one day younger than you will be tomorrow. There was no magic change that happened today. You’re still you, and you still love plastic dinosaurs and chocolate popsicles. (So do I, as a matter of fact, and I’m almost 30.)

    Happy Birthday. I called you, but you didn’t answer. That sucked, but I left a strange message anyway.

    Diapers are NOT expensive…we’re broke, and we can easily afford them. Wipes are even cheaper.

    Babies are super fun. I almost died having Ella, and she’s so awesome that I still plan to have 3 more of them.

    Kids travel well, and you can just take them on trips with you. Also, babysitters aren’t expensive as long as your kids aren’t spoiled. If you spoil the kids, nobody will keep them for you, though.

    Lastly, get an SUV. It’s cooler than a minivan. I recommend the Honda Pilot. =)

    1. I called you back, and you didn’t answer! Maybe we can catch up tomorrow. =)

      My thought though is that anything, over time, can cost a bit of cash. I mean, versus not buying it at all. For example, all the money I would invest in diapers this year, I would like to instead invest in a new piece of furniture. =)

      But you’re right. When it’s time for that baby, I won’t care. I’ll just be happy there are such things as disposable diapers. And diaper genies.

      And if we can get as lucky/blessed as y’all with receiving and SUV, then I’m all for it. But otherwise, I have to consider that I might eventually end up trading out an SUV for a minivan, and wondering if I want to deal with all the work of going through buying/selling cars an extra time. hmmm…it might be worth it to put of the minivan. I just cannot picture myself in one.

  3. The freak out feelings are normal, don’t worry! 🙂 I was always down on my 24th – 26th birthdays because I felt that another year had been “wasted” in my fertile timeline. But God doesn’t waste anything. As far as picturing yourself hating diapers and minivans… I’d say that when you come to the point of knowing that you’re ready and the reality sets in that it’s really happening, things all fall into place. You’ll find yourself looking forward to things that wouldn’t have appealed to you otherwise. Like… we will be using cloth diapers to save money, but I’m actually excited about it now. Crazy!!!

    Just like in the vows, “For better or for worse,” I think this can also refer to the changes you make with kids. Some of the changes we’re planning to make are good, and good for both us and baby. I’m looking forward to eating dinner at the kitchen table as a family instead of the coffee table in front of the TV. We are still planning to have movie nights on the couch a lot… they just may be paused more often for feedings. We have decided to clean sweep movies and music that would be too inappropriate to even keep around (Event Horizon). We still have some that we’ll have to lock up (Braveheart), but we’re definitely more conscious of what will be around the house. Lately, I’m on an organization rampage! And it’s been enlightening (and scary) to learn how badly it was really needed!

    I’ve heard that airplane travel with an infant isn’t so bad (free ticket for a couple of years), but then there’s all the stuff you have to bring everywhere! I don’t want to picture myself hauling around 5x’s too much stuff everywhere we go… so if you see me doing that in the future – tell me what’s up! Haha!

    PS – Henry’s skydiving birthday present 2 years ago was given under the assumption that it would NOT happen after we got pregnant! 🙂

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