I can count 3 different couples that are quite close to me that have had babies in the last 3 months. I have met each and every one of these little bundles of joy, and they are precious.
Also, I know I’ve mentioned this about a thousand times, but I am a nanny. I work with cute baby boys for a living. Five days a week of cute baby overload.
And you know what it did to me? It invaded my brain.
Not at first.
At the beginning of the year, I was thinking about having a child of my own. By May, I didn’t even want to think about it until next year. Not that the kids in my life aren’t great, but it had occurred to me that I did not want to wake up all throughout the night and give up my child-free weekends just yet.
And then it happened.
My brother-in-law got married.
I love Ben, and I love his wife, Lana.
But there is this crazy need in my head for me to have kids before them. I know it’s petty and probably irrational. But being the youngest kid in a family means this: I do NOTHING first.
I am last to drive. Last to go to college. Last to move away from home. Last to marry.
I don’t have kids first. I don’t have first pick of baby names I like.
So, when Tom and I got married, something in my head said, “Of the two brothers, neither have kids. Tom is the only one who is married. Meaning you’re the only one to carry on the ‘McFarlin’ name. You have a chance here. You have been given your first “first.” Don’t waste it.”
And typically I don’t even think about it. But I guess it’s buried in there somewhere deep, because the morning after Ben and Lana’s wedding, I had a dream. In my dream, I had a baby girl.
A brown-eyed, brown-haired, beautiful baby girl. (You know you like that alliteration!) She was three or four months old. She was MY LIFE. Seriously. I loved and wanted that baby.
I woke up sad because she doesn’t exist. How could she not exist? She seemed so real.
I couldn’t shake it.
I can still see her in my head. For the record, she looked nothing like her future brother, Puce.
And y’all, I just have to say that now is NOT a good time for me to have a baby. (And no, I’m not pregnant.)
So, either I spend too much time falling in love with everyone elses’ babies, or I’m slightly whacked out about Tom not being the only married brother anymore. Or a little of both.
I feel no resentment to Ben and Lana’s marriage, so I’m thinking I should apologize now. Because the way my luck works, I’ll have just typed this, and they probably got pregnant on their honeymoon. And they don’t want to try for kids anytime in the next few years. It’ll all be my fault: They’ll be preggo right off the bat because I said I wanted to be first. Sorry if I jinxed you, Ben and Lana! (Really people, we could really rename Murphy’s Law to “Meghan’s Law.”)
What it comes down to is, I’m not really sure what’s going on. Just that babies are invading my brain.
And that I probably shouldn’t let it get to me since in my dream I was also 17. And kept my baby secretly living with another family. And was failing all my classes. And my 3 or 4 month old baby could tell me things. So…yeah.
It meant nothing.
Aren’t you glad you read this?