Babies Are Invading My Brain

I can count 3 different couples that are quite close to me that have had babies in the last 3 months. I have met each and every one of these little bundles of joy, and they are precious.

Also, I know I’ve mentioned this about a thousand times, but I am a nanny. I work with cute baby boys for a living. Five days a week of cute baby overload.

And you know what it did to me? It invaded my brain.

Not at first.

Nope.

At the beginning of the year, I was thinking about having a child of my own. By May, I didn’t even want to think about it until next year. Not that the kids in my life aren’t great, but it had occurred to me that I did not want to wake up all throughout the night and give up my child-free weekends just yet.

And then it happened.

My brother-in-law got married.

I love Ben, and I love his wife, Lana.

But there is this crazy need in my head for me to have kids before them. I know it’s petty and probably irrational. But being the youngest kid in a family means this: I do NOTHING first.

I am last to drive. Last to go to college. Last to move away from home. Last to marry.

I don’t have kids first. I don’t have first pick of baby names I like.

So, when Tom and I got married, something in my head said, “Of the two brothers, neither have kids. Tom is the only one who is married. Meaning you’re the only one to carry on the ‘McFarlin’ name. You have a chance here. You have been given your first “first.” Don’t waste it.”

And typically I don’t even think about it. But I guess it’s buried in there somewhere deep, because the morning after Ben and Lana’s wedding, I had a dream. In my dream, I had a baby girl.

A brown-eyed, brown-haired, beautiful baby girl. (You know you like that alliteration!) She was three or four months old. She was MY LIFE. Seriously. I loved and wanted that baby.

I woke up sad because she doesn’t exist. How could she not exist? She seemed so real.

I couldn’t shake it.

I can still see her in my head. For the record, she looked nothing like her future brother, Puce.

And y’all, I just have to say that now is NOT a good time for me to have a baby. (And no, I’m not pregnant.)

So, either I spend too much time falling in love with everyone elses’ babies, or I’m slightly whacked out about Tom not being the only married brother anymore. Or a little of both.

I feel no resentment to Ben and Lana’s marriage, so I’m thinking I should apologize now. Because the way my luck works, I’ll have just typed this, and they probably got pregnant on their honeymoon. And they don’t want to try for kids anytime in the next few years. It’ll all be my fault: They’ll be preggo right off the bat because I said I wanted to be first. Sorry if I jinxed you, Ben and Lana! (Really people, we could really rename Murphy’s Law to “Meghan’s Law.”)

What it comes down to is, I’m not really sure what’s going on. Just that babies are invading my brain.

And that I probably shouldn’t let it get to me since in my dream I was also 17. And kept my baby secretly living with another family. And was failing all my classes. And my 3 or 4 month old baby could tell me things. So…yeah.

It meant nothing.

Aren’t you glad you read this?

~Meghan

14 thoughts on “Babies Are Invading My Brain”

  1. You could just do a lot of other firsts instead!

    1. Fist family member to dye hair purple.
    2. First family member to visit Mongolia.
    3. First family member (and last) to go freestyle parachuting.
    4. First family member to bite your dentist.

    See? There’s lots of exciting firsts you can claim and give you more infamy than having babies. :p

        1. I think most people think bringing new life into the world is one of the more important things we have an opportunity to do. And being able to have the first grandkid or the first grandkid that carries on a family name is also a big event for lots of people.

          I’m not saying traveling or other things don’t matter. But, dying my hair or biting my dentist- while they might make for a fun memory- won’t quite stack up next to kids. Ya know?

          1. LOL Of course I didn’t mean why is having kids more important than any of my meant-t0-be-humorous responses! (though, honestly, freestyle parachuting will give you a name for generations, ha).

            I just meant why is having them first important, you know, apart from carrying forward a last name.

            My brother will be the only one carrying the family name forward from my grandparents down. But he’s the 2nd youngest of eight of the grandkids, but after we’re all grown and married his family will be the only Moses’s. 🙂

          2. They WERE humorous! I laughed when I read them, especially the dentist one. 😉

            I don’t really know why being the first matters so much to me. I guess because it’s something I never get to be and because it’s something I always assumed I would get to have since Tom and I dated for ages and got married first. We’ll see, though!

            The funny thing is, I would LOVE for Ben and Lana to have kids around the same time as us, because I think it would be really fun to go through that with them. And I think that our kids will all be close cousins that love each other. I know my whole “me first” thing is kinda weird and petty sounding. I don’t really think of it often. I just thought of it because I had that dream.

  2. You were the first on in our family to:
    – have a boyfriend
    – know how to wear makeup
    – go to South America
    – speak Spanish
    – finish school

    Also, it’s nice to not have kids first because then you get lots of free stuff!

    1. Like I said to Sunira, those are all rather “unimportant” firsts. And I did NOT finish school first. If you’re counting finishing grad school, then technically, I never even started school. I might have gotten out of college before some of y’all were done with law school, med school, and getting Ph.D.’s , but I mean, it’s grad school versus undergrad. Of course I got done first! haha

  3. “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit”

    I read that somewhere. I like it.

    Also, I watched Dirty Jobs last night where he was at a diaper cleaning service.
    Another fresh dose of birth control to set me for a while.

    You’ll be a great mom – weather you’re first, second, last, or whatever – and thats all that matters. 🙂

  4. Don’t be so quick to give some poor child a last name no one will ever spell correctly on the first try! Or capitalize (i.e., see Lana’s picture of the envelope on their honeymoon). 😛 And I went from one “bad” last name to the next. Field, Filler, Phil, Fills….

  5. We will certainly be praying for you guys when you decide to start trying and in the meantime for guidance on that decision. God doesn’t give us the option to choose who goes first or when, only the grace to accept His decisions with peace and a joyful heart. If He calls you to motherhood, He will more than satisfy that desire in your heart. How He does so… we’ll have to wait and see! 🙂

  6. Meghan-

    I understand where you are coming from. Andrew was the first grandchild for Brandon’s mother and father. When he was born he was the beginning of a fifth generation for both Brandon’s dad’s side and mom’s side of the family. We took a picture of all five generations from both sides and put it in the paper. That was exciting for us and the entire family. There is also a sense of pride in knowing that it is your child that gets that recognition. I love Brandon’s stepbrother and sister-in-law and can’t wait for them to decide to have a baby, but I am selfishly happy that we had one first. It’s a terrible thing to say and I hope that others on Brandon’s side of the family decide to have babies soon. I guess being the youngest of five in my own family, I can understand quite well where you are coming from and how you feel.

    Wishing You and Tom the Best!

    1. I’m glad someone gets it! It’s not that I don’t love Lana and Ben or even that I would be mad if they had a baby first. It’s just that after you’ve looked forward to something for so long, it’s hard to imagine it not happening, ya know? But, of course, you do- you said so. 😉 When and if Tom and I have a boy, he’ll be the fifth Thomas Hudson McFarlin in his family too. It’s kind of a neat thing!

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