I’m Alive

Wow. I’m closing in on 5 months pregnant. And I wasn’t sure I would survive to this point.

This pregnancy has been rough. I was sicker and then even sicker. It went on forever.

Sometimes I would look at Tom and cry and say, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I want to die. Seriously, when I think about feeling this way for several more weeks, or possibly the whole pregnancy, I want to die.”

He would look at me and say, “I don’t think you should do this again. Do you really want 4 kids?” (He was met with a “that’s not helping.” But honestly, I don’t blame him for asking.)

That sounds dramatic. But believe me, I have never felt more sympathy for the women I know with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (I’m looking at you- Kristen, Athalia, Tiffany, Theresa Anne, and Kate Middleton-even though I don’t know you personally).

The misery I felt this time around began at 4.5 weeks and would not be satiated by medicine, food, or rest. Although I didn’t get a lot of that last one, since I was keeping up with Josey as best I could.

I would walk into my house and gag at the smell of my home. I would get nauseated by the sound of Dora The Explorer’s voice, and I had to start Josey wearing headphones when she watched her favorite show, which I will unashamedly admit she did a lot of while I lay next to her on the couch and moaned and gagged.

It went on for what felt like forever. All the women who told me, “Well, you’re almost done because you’re almost 12 weeks!” received a flat stare and a “no.” I was sick with Josey for 4 months. I was holding out for 16 weeks. “Please, God, please let it be over at 16 weeks.”

But when 12 weeks hit, and the sickness got worse….I knew that wouldn’t happen. And as I watched week 16 come and go, I thought, “this is it. This is my life forever until this kid comes. I don’t think I will survive.”

And when, at the middle of 17 weeks, it actually started to get better, minus the heartburn getting worse, I could hardly believe it.

Today, I am 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and my horrible heartburn and the occasional headache and back pain is the worst thing I have going on. It’s awesome.

I still get nauseated by certain smells, or any really strong smells, but I can deal with it.

For all of you women I know personally who go through this on overdrive for the duration of your pregnancy, I salute you. Because every one of you chose to go through it again for a second child.

I think you might  be a little crazy, but I also know that nothing makes you “crazier” than the crazy amount of love that we have for our children. And that some things are worth suffering through if it’s for them.

Anyway. I’m alive. My blog looked sad and neglected, so I thought I should update.

Other news on the baby front- my due date was moved to March 21st because lil Nugget is measuring large, just like Josey did. I think all my babies are destined to be whoppers.

Also, Tom and I are gung-ho about going for a VBAC this time around. All natural is my goal. I’m scared and excited and praying it works out. I really don’t want to recover from a c-section again.

To do that, we have to switch to a provider who will do VBACs, so we are going to use a midwife group in Atlanta that was highly praised to us. We’ve gone to their Q&A, toured the hospital, and were able to ask questions, so we feel confidant in this group. We’ll be making the switch sometime after my 20-week check-up in November.

I am so lucky to have Tom. Throughout this pregnancy, he has been so supportive (sure he was concerned about me going through this again, but who wants to see their spouse so miserable?). He never complained about working to support us and then also tackling the lion’s share of what I normally do around here. Never criticized me for having a babysitter come on some Friday mornings just so I could go back to bed. Never complained about having take-out more nights than I care to remember and then acted so happy and grateful if I so much as made a sandwich for dinner. Didn’t mind pushing a 32lb toddler uphill in a stroller on his runs so I could take a break. Still continues to do this and support me in getting the birth I want. I am so blessed.

And, finally, my 20-week check-up is November 4th, and it includes an ultra-sound. We’re hoping lil Nugget cooperates and decides to share the gender with us. We’ll wait to find out until the gender reveal party though. I can hardly wait to find out and share it with everyone!

That’s our news! I’m sure to report more as we find it out!

2 thoughts on “I’m Alive”

  1. Your comment about Dora took me back…Jordan was two when I was expecting you. He liked the song from Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves that went “HiHo, HiHo it’s off to work we go…” and would march around the room while it played. I used to lie on the sofa and let it play all day long. No sense feeling guilty–you did what you had to do during that time to survive. Glad you’re starting to feel a little better.

    1. Thank you, Mom! It’s always a relief to hear other people’s real life experiences and reactions to things like nausea. Makes me feel better about Jo’s Dora craze during the first 4+ months.

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